As @eattrainplayfitness, I've been writing mainly about the 'why', 'how' & 'what' of this project, defining what some would call the boring bits of content creation, sort of like going through the motions of peeling, chopping and dicing in preparation for a homemade pasta bake, you know, the one you crave when you need comfort food that reminds you of all things good.
Today, I write my first entry as BipolarbyNando (BbN@eattrainplayfitness).
This post has been in the works since years ago. The procrastinator in me, or the perfectionist in me, has been hard at work. I'd better never let those parts of me take command delegating a rescue of my drowning child (note to my future self).
Who takes this long? Yet, I must admit, they were totally and completely correct in taking their sweet time. There is much to consider.
Last night, I spent a cosy night at home, my real home, not where I stay when I am working, which is also home, yet not my space, not my sanctuary, not a place where I can clear my mind.
After a full day, when all was dark, a sort of light came in through the sides of the blinds. As I looked outside, this light was everywhere! And whilst this might sound like an overreaction to the situation, I thought I'd left the lights on.
According to NASA
The next Super Blue Moon after Aug. 30, 2023 will be in January 2037, followed by another one in March 2037, according to NASA.
I spent as long as possible outside recording to share with those closest to me. I saw a clear night sky with our moon right above me. The bugs and birds were louder than usual. It was crispy cold. Normally, where I live, it is pitch black, but I could see the tree line, the shed and the house close to 10 metres away. Even the security light did not turn on.
The real 576-megapixel version is now in my memory, and tonight, when I close my eyes, I hope to play it back.
And this is important to mention because it is part of my personal 'why'.
So.... Why am I doing this? Personally, that is.
In the last post, I briefly wrote about my 6-month saga of trying to seek support from a professional/specialist service; they failed. They are not the first.
Note to Self: Next time, take action sooner than six months.
To add salt to the wound, I recently discovered that Melatonin, the 'saviour' that restored my sleep, was causing me memory issues, among other complications like morning fog. It's seriously unjust because Seroquel (another medication I take) is known to have this effect.
In the words of Snoop Dogg.
You've got to always go back in time if you want to move forward
Source - Snoop Dogg Quotes - BrainyQuote
Oh! I was going back in time! I was going back in time so much that I had no idea if it was Xmas morning or time for year seven graduation. So, how did I find out? I mean, anything could have caused that. Maybe I should have the compounded pills lab-tested?
I had to stop taking it because it was causing more harm than good. It isn't like I didn't run it through my doctors & clinicians when I started; in fact, they were the ones who suggested I restart the nightly ritual. I even remember (funny this) a male emergency nurse offering the same advice.
So, now that I stopped taking Melatonin 4-6 weeks ago, it is not like I am going to be able to recite the entire prescribed Human Biological Science textbook, but my life isn't hinged on things like incessant notetaking, daily task lists, and morning and nighttime ritual which would put the Vatican to shame because even they could not keep up with the torturous, labyrinthine like steps.
I finished a full University study day (officially, College Higher Education). I cannot say that it was a breeze, but I can say that it was more enjoyable than usual compared to other days. I was far more efficient and effective, and my dog and I took two walking breaks. For real!
The questions that don't see the light
Here are some statistics that paint the background.
According to What's the Life Expectancy with Bipolar Disorder? - Bipolar diagnosed person, life expectancy is 67 years old, and risk of death is 2.6 times greater than the general population. Here's another reputable source, Life expectancy in bipolar disorder, and another Premature Mortality in Bipolar Disorder.
Lithium is the standard go-to prescription medication some papers call the 'gold standard' treatment for bipolar. If you like reading, look at this peer-reviewed article, Lithium Treatment Over the Lifespan in Bipolar Disorders.
Did you know that whilst doctors agree that improvements can be observed in many patients, they all agree that more studies must be done to understand the specific mechanics?
Some papers take the brave and responsible approach and leave out the sugar coat and tell it like it is, 'we just don't know', but the pharmaceutical company-funded research studies will say different.
Then there are the mythical side effects in your head (I should start charging them rent). IMHO, they are just as detrimental, if not the same, as the disease.
Here is one more link, perhaps the most important link because it aligns with the purpose of this blog post, Nutritional psychiatry: Your brain on food.
Just to be clear, I am not studying psychiatry.
In a nutshell, I am studying to learn how to use food (nutrition) as medicine; this is the link to the degree. It makes perfect sense, why? Among the medications used to treat bipolar are mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, antidepressants, antidepressants-antipsychotics, and anti-anxiety medications.
To put it into perspective. Medications fall at one end of the spectrum, with hospitalisation at the other; in between, continued treatment, day treatment programs, substance abuse treatment, and complementary medicine.
Nutrition is heavily involved in or falls under five of six categories for treating bipolar.
This is Therapy
There are 31 days in August, and I spent 9 out of action.
Nutrition plays a huge part in my wellness plan and even in my 'when shit hits the fan' plan (full disclosure I have not updated mine since the start of 2022). I cannot afford not to pencil in time for:
food prep
grocery shopping
looking for vitamin sales
checking my Habits app
checking meal times
tracking what snacks I eat
ongoing learning through undergraduate studies
and even tracking steps/exercise (technically not nutrition, but if you want to see those results, one must move).
The last weigh-in read was 112kg. My healthy weight is 85kg. I've lost this much weight before. See the photo of me wearing a suit and tie.
It isn't about vanity. It is about survival. Google this search term, 'mental illness non-communicable'.
@eattrainplayfitness's purpose is clear and defined. It is polished. Neat. Evergreen. Scheduled. You understand.
Chronic Illness is none of these things. It has a way of trapping sunlight.
Among the difficulties with medications, doctors, appointments, stigma, treatment, hospitalisations (though not for many years), ongoing learning, wins and failures, there is time for life. For me, the most significant challenges have their roots in medications and specialists.
Note for my future self: 'Ten ways to love' & '7 Rules of Life'. Remember the medication changes, the specialists who don't make eye contact but keep writing on their notepads like they are filling out a crossword (maybe they were?). All the times you've listened to this video. When you read this, hopefully, you are at home (this same home), or if not, exploring some part of this world, still creating memories with loved ones and creating content.
Therapy with purpose - What's the deal with creating content?
This will be the only blog post where I outline my reasons for including my personal experience living with Bipolar as part of the @eattrainplayfitness blog.
I am writing it for myself in case I wonder later.
This blog post defines the boundaries of engagement with the service/brand/online presence I've created.
My lived experience as a person diagnosed with Bipolar is not far from standard. You know, the usual therapy with psychologists who like to parrot back what you've already told them and seemingly pointless conversations with psychiatrists, overly caring and helpful nurses and counsellors who can't do anything else because the system won't allow them, and then there's the amazing clinicians. IMHO, they are angels sent from outer space.
Note to self: Remember when you kept bouncing in and out of the psych ward?
Yep, being there and done that during the first seven years of being diagnosed bipolar over 15 years ago. Call me crazy, but I liked the food they served in the ward and the cookies! Movie nights were so wild! I can't even remember a thing! Sigh! Good times.
Disclaimer: I have nothing against psychologists and psychiatrists. I meant they are the last people you ever want to see again after leaving the hospital, and other allied health professionals have had a greater positive impact on my health.
So, this isn't about the sad times. Trust me, there are loads.
This whole shebang was destined for the trash. There was often no reason to keep it, and 1001 things have happened since then, though compacted into a few years called a decade.
Experiencing, recording/creating, sharing, and connecting with others is at the heart of @eattrainplayfitness. And if a super blue moon isn't a sign, it is surely a nudge from the universe.
Authenticity - Personal growth
Call it lived experience, patient knowledge, or first-hand eye-witness, I realised that I would feel disconnected from @eattrainplayfitness and what it aims to achieve if I had to mask a huge part of my life. Anyone with a chronic illness knows that masking or pulling the curtains has little long-term benefit.
In other words, if @eattrainplayfitness aims to be authentic and be something that may benefit others looking for complementary ways to support their health, I also need to be authentic with myself, which may involve leaving behind my stigma about myself.
Note to self: Was society in 2023 ready for this?
I certainly hope that online communities are. I don't know where this will lead for me. Is this personal growth? If it is, I would argue it is a good thing. If not, it is authenticity, and my relationship with myself matters.
Signed.
BbN@eattrainplayfitness
P.S. Writing blogs helps me practice writing in my second language. Winning!
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